Upper Room Media Blogs

Today I Begin Again

By Shery Abdelmalak

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To me, this phrase is repentance. It is a show of mistakes made but I’ll try again today. It is to not be overcome by despair, but to try again, and to try harder.

But these are not my words. These were the words of St Anthony the Great. St Anthony did not use this phrase in this same way I find comfort in despair. 

Quite the contrary. St Anthony would spend his days in prayer and fighting demons in a way I could never imagine. Yet, he would start his day with the phrase, today I begin again.

St Anthony accomplished leaps and bounds of spirituality beyond all comprehension, but his mentality was set on each new day. St Paul made this clear to the Colossians when he likened wisdom to the time well spent; “Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time.” – Colossians 4:5.

When I look back on my most spiritual days. Days spent in church. Days spent in communion with others. Days spent in service. If only I could be the servant of the Lord I once was. But then there were days of failure, days of laziness, weeks of prayer in church alone but never bringing the essence of prayer back home with me. Does that make me a hypocrite? If I could not replicate the same prayer at home that I do in church, am I like the Pharisee that prayed at the top of his lungs in one breath, and in the next looked down upon the tax collector beside him?

These are the thoughts that compound when I come to pray. When I feel like I can’t pray because it’s not the same as before. In essence, these are the roots of my own self-righteousness. These are thoughts that I am better than the prayer that I have to offer today. I think I can’t pray because I’ve prayed “better,” in the past. I think my prayers aren’t worth it because I need the church to get me started. When in fact, this is the best place to start – when I come to my Lord with broken prayers. The prayers of the past, I leave in the past. Each day, I start anew. I fight like I’ve never fought before to get to know my Beloved.

When I ask myself, “Why? Why is it so hard to pray?” It used to be so simple when I was younger. For the young, it is simple, because they are simple. When I was a child, I was told to pray and so, I prayed. Maybe it becomes harder to pray with age because Jesus said, “Unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). When I start each day irrespective of what was accomplished the day before, I remain a child in faith.

Each day I wake up and remember that His mercies are made new every morning (Lam 3:22). I don’t remember the good of my past, and I live that day for my Lord to the best of ability. I am not living for me, but for Him. If my eyes are ever upon Christ, then the past is not relevant. Today, I begin again. I search for the love of God again.

We see two distinct methods of interactions in the life of Christ. The Christ that would shower love, blessings, healing and compassion on the sinners, the adulterers, the murderers, the demon-possessed, the lepers, the tax-collectors. But then we also see a sterner Christ that spoke with the Pharisees and the leaders of the temple. Was it not the Pharisees that knew Christ and anticipated His coming? The difference between the two, was that the sinner knew to cry for mercy, while the Pharisees were not in need.

If I begin each day anew, overlooking the good of the past, then I can quite easily cry out for mercy. I can easily remember where I stand and where Christ stands. Because it was never about my own personal progress, but the height of grace that was bestowed upon me.

Sometimes, I can misinterpret the words of St Paul when he said, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11). This idea of maturing was one he used quite frequently when preaching, to suggest a growth in spirituality. One that I misinterpreted to mean that prayers are enhanced with age; with spiritual maturity.

Again, he says, “For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” (Hebrews 5:12-14)

The “child” that St Paul alludes to is the “child” he was before he came to know Christ. Before St Paul knew Christ, he knew the Jewish law inside out. He had more knowledge than maybe even the disciples. For a Jew, I am sure many aspired to be just like him. The “childish things” that St Paul put away, were those pertaining to himself. The thought of his own knowledge, his abilities, his strengths. He left all that behind and emptied himself to be filled with the love of the Father, negating all knowledge of the law, and putting on Love, that has no limits.

To be, “spiritually mature,” is to devoid that title altogether. To begin each day with the knowledge of God’s mercy, and not my own strengths. Today, I begin again, as a child, earnestly desiring the love of my Father, like I’ve never tasted love before.

The Heart of God

Adapted from a sermon by Fr Mark Basily

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Luke 19:1-10

If we break down who Zacchaeus was, we see a tax collector, who was rich, who was short, who runs up a tree to see Christ through the crowds. He is presented in a fairly undignified way.

The fairly Gospel ends with a courageous declaration – “Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.” – Luke 19:10.

The transitionary moment of this Gospel was Zacchaeus in the tree, and our Lord walking under the tree. If we press pause at this moment when Christ looks up and sees Zacchaeus. You can imagine this moment when their eyes meet. Zacchaeus would have frozen. At this moment, what did Zacchaeus see in the eyes of Jesus? He would have been able to see into the heart of God. He would have felt the love, the mercy, the tenderness, the kindness – all that flows from the heart of God. This is the moment that would have changed Zacchaeus’ life forever. The moment when he looked into the heart of God.

God looks into our hearts, that is what He is most interested in. We, too, need to look into the heart of God – to understand Him, and to understand our place in the heart of God. If we understand our place in the heart of God, then our lives can be changed. We will see the love He has for us, we will see the forgiveness He has for us, the restoration, the kindness, all for us. We will see our place in His heart.

The iconographer of the Father’s embrace for the Arabic church spent a few months working on this icon. We got to know him and watched him work. One day I came to the liturgy and he had just completed the face of Jesus. He was staring at the icon and I said, “it looks really good.”

He said, “Abouna, I want you to pray the mass today and gaze into His eyes, and after the liturgy tell me what you felt.”

He wanted to make sure that whoever looks into the face of Christ would feel His Love, His warmth, His compassion. That whoever looked into the face of Christ would see the heart of God. We need to know and to see the heart of God.

I was walking in the park with my kids, and a man asked me, “what is God’s message to me today?”

So I responded, “God’s message for today is that He loves you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m very sure.”

“I don’t know about that.”

And he left. How can we not know that? How can we not know that God’s loves us? We need to look into the heart of Jesus, and allow it to change our lives in the same way it changed Zacchaeus’ life.

Every day, we need to look into the heart of Jesus. Jesus looks into our hearts each and every day, and we need to look into His heart. What do you see when you look into the heart of God?

Can You Keep A Secret?

Adapted from a sermon by Fr Yacoub Magdy

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Luke 19:1-10

Zacchaeus was considered by many to be a sinner. He was a rich man and this made people presume that he was greedy and dishonest.

When we read his story, we see a man that was willing to give half his goods to feed the poor.  He also says that if he took anything from any man wrongfully, he will restore it fourfold. If he had truly taken and stolen money from others, then we know it’s not possible to restore fourfold. He was willingly giving away half his goods, with only half left. If it was not his own, he would be in severe debt if he gave away four times the original amount of money he had.

Zacchaeus was presumably wrongfully accused of theft. All tax collectors were hated by the Jews because of politics. When they approached St John the Baptist, they asked what should they do as tax collectors to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? St John did not tell them to quit their job, but only to perform their work with honesty, and not to take more than they are due. They had authority from the Roman Empire to take on more than just taxes. Some of them were not honest, but we cannot say this about all tax collectors. Zacchaeus’ pledge of half his goods is a testament to this.

Zacchaeus was rich AND a good man, with a burning desire to see our Lord. He was loyal to his friends. When Christ came to dine with him, Zacchaeus invited all the people to dine with them. We see a good man, but his goodness was only seen by Christ. Our Lord looks to the heart, and not the external. If we do good in secret, then only He knows. He loves to see us do good without external influences on our deeds. Zacchaeus teaches us to keep part of our goodness in secret between us and God.

Recall the story when Samuel the Prophet went to Jesse’s house to select one of his sons to be ordained as king of Israel. Jesse was very excited to receive a visit from the great prophet. He lined up all his sons, the strongest, the tallest, the ones built for war and leadership. There was one son that he did not include. His youngest, and most good-looking, for this was not a desirable quality in a king, as it suggested youth. The wars were won by strength, and having good looks would not get a king anywhere. David’s role was to take care of the little sheep.

Even Samuel was impressed by Jesse’s other sons. Immediately when he saw the oldest, he thought this must be the one that God had chosen. To his dismay, the Spirit of God told him that this was not the one. None of the sons were accepted by God. Samuel asks Jesse if there were any more, and Jesse tells him about David, the one that could never be fit to be king. Just a boy looking after sheep.

Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7

The Lord looks at the heart above all else. This grants us give comfort, for the Lord knows our hearts, He sees our intentions. We must not worry if people do not see this. It is human nature to deceive people and to be deceived, but God cannot be deceived.

During the final year of HH Pope Kyrillos VI’s life, he was sitting on his throne and was so sick that he slept while he was sitting. The people brought a demon-possessed man to him. The man cried and fell in the presence of the sleeping pope, and the demon fled. He didn’t put his Cross over his head, he didn’t pray, but when the demon caught sight of the pope, this was enough.

Fr Raphael commented on this scene saying, “Of course the demon fled, for the Lord knows, and the devil knows, what is happening within the heart.” Even the devils know what happens in secret. This is an awakening to us all. When no one else can see, what do I choose to do? I can do what I please, or I can do good and the Lord will reveal His secrets to me.

Between friends, you know if a friend is trustworthy in their ability to keep your secrets. This happens with us and Christ. When Christ knows that you are the type to keep secrets, He will give you more.

The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him, And He will show them His covenant.

Psalm 25:14

There is so much joy when there is secrecy and a personal relationship with us and our Lord.

Once a man and woman separated and wanted a formal divorce. A priest began to visit them separately, praying with them and counseling them. After a long time, they were brought back together and restored as husband and wife. A man then went to the priest and said, “did you know that these people would go back together?” Imagine the thoughts of the priest as he simply said, “Did they?” He was not trying to display his efforts, but they were for the sake of God.

We once visited a Greek family who had children. Fr Mark sat with the two children and they loved him very much. They wanted to show him something that they found interesting. With delight, Fr Mark said, “What is it?” Then the children brought out Upper Room Media. Fr Mark kept showing interest as if he was not the founder of the app. Fr Mark saw the joy it brought the children to discuss this finding, and he did not want to take this away from them.

The Lord reveals His secrets with the one who keeps His secrets.

Your Sins are Forgiven

Translated from a sermon by Fr Louka Sidarous

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How much can I ask from my Lord? It was not too much for our Lord to cure someone who was paralysed. We hear in the Gospel a story of a quadriplegic man that could not move his arms or legs. Could this be too much for Christ?

As the story goes, it was not even too much for our Lord to call on someone who has been dead in a tomb for four days, and his body rotting. Lazarus was raised from the dead with just the call of our Lord’s voice.

Nothing is too much for the Lord. It is only too much for the man that loses faith.

Can a quadriplegic move his arm again, or can a dead man to rise again? But when a man loses his faith, he loses everything with it.

If we look to Christ, who can do anything, we can say with faith, “No, nothing is impossible.”

After years of sin, I wake up to myself and I think is it even possible to return to where I once was? I used to pray with all my might, all my heart, with tears, then prayer became routine. It was like it meant nothing to me. How can I come back now?

Of course I can come back. I should not deceive myself in this way. If faith can return to the heart through the power of Christ, then my prayers will be restored. It doesn’t matter how many years I was away.

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God

Joel 2: 25-26

After years of apathy, I feel dry, there is no life within me. After years, the locusts have eaten me up and there is no goodness left. I have become like a harvest that has been attacked by locusts. The harvest was once green and blooming, but it is now dry and lifeless.

Why are we afraid to return? Why don’t we return to the faith we once had? With respect to an individual’s personal life, we should increase in fruit and our relationship with our Lord.

By the age of 30 or 40 or 50 years of life, in the church, in fellowship, in communion, but where is my harvest? Where is the fruit of the Holy Spirit? The love, the joy, the peace, my fruit should be visible. As St Paul says in his letter to Philemon,

For we have great joy and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, brother.

Philemon 1:7

St Paul knows that the fruit that is in Philemon will refresh the hearts of the brethren.

You will find a person that is not greedy for the world, this person increases in holiness each day. We grow up and get older and begin to fail. We become weaker, and more complacent. We have bad experiences in this world and we lose the fight.

Just as Christ was able to heal the paralysed, He can also speak to our hearts and return life to our souls. For a life in Christ is unlike anything else. We come back and we can do more, and serve more, and work in secret place, with our joy coming from our Lord, we can produce fruit for God to please His heart.

Repentant and return to our Beloved is always much greater than the healing of the sick, even the raising of the dead. The healing of the human body is much easier than the healing of the soul. The healing of a body, but to heal a soul and to return it to its former strength – in spirit, in love, from the depth of the heart, in humility, in the Christian life, in self denial – is much greater than the raising of the dead.

Let us come back to our Lord, in humility, and beg that He restores our faith so that we may live joyfully with our Saviour, glory be to His Name forever, Amen.

Milk for the Fox

By Bethany Kaldas

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‘His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’’

Matthew 25:21

A common phrase I hear spoken in the church, especially in regard to service, is to remember that we can offer God nothing. After all, God is perfect, He is the definition of wholeness, completeness—He does not need our service, it is we who need His grace. This is very true, and it is especially important to remember when we are trying to perform acts of service (whether they are formal or informal). You’re not giving God anything He couldn’t accomplish without your efforts.

But I wouldn’t blame anyone for, at times, finding this notion a little disheartening. We may start to feel that, well, if my actions don’t really make a difference to God, then what’s the point? Perhaps we can imagine that the works of the greatest saints and prophets—you know, the ones that parted seas and healed the blind and raised the dead—they made a real difference. Their charity mattered—it had an impact on the world that is still being felt today.

What can we do? Maybe we talk to children in Sunday school, knowing full well that every word spoken has gone into one ear and out the other. Maybe we cook meals for our families, which they’ll enjoy for a minute and forget about the next. Maybe your friends come to you with a problem, utterly distraught, and you listen and nod, trying to ignore that voice in your head that reminds you that nothing you can say or do will fix it for them.

It can all feel a bit futile, can’t it? We try very hard to be useful, we put heart and soul into giving God our best, but it never seems to be enough. Like trying to create a masterpiece with broken hands, sometimes it feels like we never really seem to be able to make anything beautiful happen. 

In Anthony Bloom’s book, Beginning to Pray, he tells a story from Hebrew folklore about the prophet Moses and a humble shepherd. You see, this shepherd liked to leave out bowl of the best milk from his sheep for God, and claims that God really does drink the milk, because when he wakes up in the morning, the bowl is empty. He is happy with his offering and will work hard to continue to give it, he knows that God appreciates it and that is enough.

Moses, almost amused by the idea that God could drink anything, considering He doesn’t have a body, basically tells the shepherd he’s being silly and he’s not offering God anything. Testing the theory, the shepherd stays out one night to see what happens to the milk, and much to his disappointment, he sees that it is not God, but a hungry little fox who drinks his offering every night. Turns out he really wasn’t offering God anything useful—his service was meaningless. He never really had anything to give.

When he tells this to Moses, quite downhearted, Moses tells him to buck up—he’s learned more about God now and that’s a good thing. And yet, Moses is still troubled by the shepherd’s despair. He prays about the incident, and this is how God responds:

‘Moses, you were wrong. It is true that I am pure spirit. Nevertheless I always accepted with gratitude the milk which the shepherd offered me, as the expression of his love, but since, being pure spirit, I do not need the milk, I shared it with this little fox, who is very fond of milk.’

Anthony Bloom, Beginning to Pray

It’s definitely true that God needs nothing from us. Anything we offer to Him is tiny, perhaps insignificant in our eyes. And yet, even the smallest things we offer to God with genuine love are treasured by Him. And not only treasured, but used—multiplied beyond what we expect.

That bowl of nice milk was not needed by God, but it was needed by one little, hungry fox who, thanks to that shepherd’s persistent acts of love, had a full belly every night. The small things you do may seem unimportant, but no act of love goes without consequence, even if its results are invisible.

‘Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.’

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Our actions are like stones dropped in still waters, they have impacts we’d never have thought of and many more that we’ll probably never know about, even if they look small and inconspicuous. Too often, we assess the value of a deed by the results that we can see. When we try to be kind, try to help, try to act, try to teach, and it seems that nothing has come of it, we think we’ve wasted our time and effort. It’s not good enough for us, so it’s not good enough for God.

‘It is useless to try to make peace with ourselves by being pleased with everything we have done. In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from the effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting any immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.’

Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

God works in ways we do not see, and there was never a seed too small or a heart too frail for Him to use. A chance encounter with a stranger, a sympathetic word to a friend, a message of appreciation or a small act of service done when nobody was watching—these are the work of the hands of Christ. These are the foundations of Heaven on Earth. You have no idea the impact your choices can have—I can almost guarantee that you’ve already changed someone’s life in ways you can’t see.

Give Him whatever you can, no matter how broken and withered and small, and trust that it is exactly what He was looking for. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it feels pathetic, pitiful, fruitless. But there are no ashes He cannot turn into beauty, no loaves He cannot multiply, no bowls of milk He will not share…except the ones you never give Him.

‘He said, “Bring them here to Me.” Then He commanded the multitudes to sit down on the grass. And He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed and broke and gave the loaves to the disciples; and the disciples gave to the multitudes.So they all ate and were filled, and they took up twelve baskets full of the fragments that remained.’

Matthew 14:18-20

Think Big

Adapted from a sermon by Fr David Shehata

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Luke 10:21-28

We are called to think big. To look at the bigger picture and not just the mere visible steps before us.

Seventy disciples were sent out to preach, to do miracles and amazing things. They returned with great joy, saying even the demons were subject to them in His Name. The Lord responds by telling them to think even bigger than this; “Do not rejoice at this, but rather, rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” This is the bigger picture.

We then hear a lawyer pose a question to the Lord. The topic of heaven has been raised and we should rejoice because there is a place for us in heaven, but what must we do to inherit the Kingdom? The answer to this is simple – “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbour as yourself.’ ”  (Luke 10:27).

The lawyer then asks, “who is my neighbour?”

This is an important question for us also. Many times we know and are fully convinced that to attain salvation we must love God. We love our Lord with all our heart, mind and strength. Sadly, the following part can be missed- to love my neighbour as myself.

When the Lord describes my neighbour, He uses the parable of the good Samaritan. In this parable, a man is found on the street, he is robbed, beaten and left for dead. Three people are given the opportunity to show love to this man. The first is a priest and the second is a Levite. Both pass by without giving the man much notice. The third is a Samaritan that sees the man, has compassion upon him, bandages him and ensures he is restored back to health.

After telling this parable, the Lord then asks, “So which of these three do you think was neighbour to him who fell among the thieves?” (Luke 10:36). The answer to this question is the one who showed mercy. Our Lord then instructs the lawyer, and us who hear this interaction, to go and do likewise.

Having compassion on my neighbour, my brothers and sisters is something extremely important in our lives. Having compassion is pivotal in the life of the Christian. If you and I want to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, if we want to spend our eternity in Heaven, then we must have compassion. To further emphasise we must exercise compassion in our forgiveness for those who have wronged us.

Sometimes I may think, “Yes, I can forgive most things, but you don’t understand the hurt that this person has caused! This is the only thing I cannot forgive”

When we feel this way, we can look back on how St Peter reflected upon forgiveness. Thinking he had done exemplary work, he questioned Christ saying, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). As if to say, that he forgives so much already, not just once or twice, but even up to seven times. As if the Lord would be impressed by the height of his virtuous forgiveness.

The Lord brings him back down to earth with His response; “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” You can imagine the disheartened look on St Peter’s face when he hears this. It is not just up to seven times, but to the point where you can no longer count how many times you have forgiven.

He continues on with a parable to describe the Kingdom of Heaven. There was a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. There was one that owed ten thousand talents and was unable to repay the king. He begged for forgiveness and the king was moved with compassion and freely forgave his debt. He released and forgave the entire debt.

Incidentally, the servant was owed one hundred denarii by a fellow servant. Having seen the king just be moved with compassion for his own, much larger, debt, the servant imprisons his fellow servant. The king hears about this and says, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” (Matthew 18:32-33).

Jesus explains the concept of forgiveness in this manner. The lesson here is, “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses” (Matthew 18:35).

This is extremely real for each of us. We must love and we must forgive. We must understand why we forgive. Psychology teaches us that those that hold on to grudges, every time we remember why we are upset with someone, those old wounds are reopened as if they just occurred. When we forgive others, it grants us freedom. Those that forgive others tend to be happier people.

From a Christian perspective, I do not forgive others because they deserve it, but because I, myself have been forgiven. The Lord makes it clear that we need to forgive for the debt that was freely paid for our own sins.

If I want to inherit the Kingdom, I must first remember the Lord freely forgave me, and I show my thanksgiving for this by forgiving those that do wrong to me. Even though they do not deserve it. When we do not forgive, we hold ourselves captive and relive the pain time and time again. The reality of this is a psychological prison. Ultimately, I am trapped, and I am hurt.

Do I truly love my neighbour as myself? Do I truly show compassion on my neighbour? Do  I serve and do I want others to do even better than myself? To answers these questions honestly, I must reflect upon my tolerance and acceptance of those around me. Am I able to consider them? Do I avoid those that I consider to be difficult and annoying?

St Gregory of Nazianzus once said, “my love for God is equivalent to the person I love least.” This is the measure for which I love God. Even if I think I love God but cannot tolerate any single person in my life, I am fooling myself. We must see Christ in everyone around us, for they are all created in His image and likeness. I judge others not by their actions, but by their intentions. In the same way, I can look at my own actions, and give myself reasonable intention, I display this same benefit of the doubt to others.

I keep the Word of God close to my heart, and I do not let the world come in between me and my Love for God. Read the Psalms and keep these words close to your heart. We pray that our hearts are full of forgiveness so we may love our neighbours as we love ourselves. Every time I pray, I can truly say, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”